40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

Found in the delightful Sex on Tuesday

Note: This does not apply to all men, I don't even agree with some items here. However, since everyone has their own peeves when it comes to the mattress mambo, I guess anything goes. I will also write a similar list, but composed of mistakes women make during sex with men. I'm not a male-basher, I believe in equal opportunity bashing cuz some girls just SUCK in bed (according to my guy friends, anyways).

MY RESPONSE

Until she gets around to her version of a male reply (that should be interesting), on behalf of men everywhere, here’s my take. Accept it as entertainment only.

(I couldn't think of any way for my comments to make sense without quoting the whole damned thing. My apologies to the blogmistress.)

Not that there isn’t some validity in what she says. I try hard not to be guilty of these infractions. On the other hand...

1

NOT KISSING FIRST.

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

Kissing to the exclusion of other activities gets tired after the first few hours. We like kissing too, but there’s more to life, and we want to know we’re gonna get there sometime this week.

2

BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

We will happily retire the blowing thing. Men don’t do subtlety well. The only blowing we’re really interested in isn’t meant literally.

3

NOT SHAVING.

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

Although women’s legs may lack the abrasiveness of men’s beard stubble, you more than make up for it with surface area. We know you’re aware of that, you complain about it enough when you’re shaving. Try to imagine if our chins were three feet long.

We’d prefer leg hair to leg stubble.

4

SQUEEZING HER BREAST.

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

Let’s talk about proper care and treatment of testicles, then. Suffice to say that you don’t have any parts that sensitive.

5

BITING HER NIPPLES.

Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.

You must understand that men’s breasts aren’t like that. Your hands on our chests mean much less than our hands on yours. But out nipples are every bit as sensitive as yours, and touching them turns us on and turns our brains off.

6

TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

So, clothespins are out, then?

7

IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

The reverse is true for us. Other places are good too, but all the time you spend in the suburbs we’re thinking about the downtown high-rise.

8

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

Just take them off in the bathroom before we leave the restaurant. Better yet, don’t wear them at all.

(Do men really get tangled up in women’s underwear?)

9

LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.

Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

We didn’t wear it because we wanted it. Oh, all right, but in return, we never want to see a string in the Midtown Tunnel.

10

ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along the side of the clitoris.

Direct pressure is what we live for. Don’t tickle us.

11

STOPPING FOR A BREAK.

Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

Men DO pick up where they left off. Once aroused, we stay aroused until release, with a commensurate decline in subtle reasoning and observational skills. (We also lose what small interest we had in whether peach goes with mauve.)

12

UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

Nonsense. You only think you look stupid because you can’t see yourselves as we see you. Women tangled in their clothes are indescribably cute. If you knew the effect it has on us, you’d do it every time.

What really does look stupid is a mostly-dressed woman saying “zip me?” It goes against everything we hold dear to help you put clothes on.

13

GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

We don’t make you wear them. See #8. Haven’t you taken them off yet?

14

BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt - so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

The penis is where it’s all at.

15

MASSAGING THOROUGHLY.

You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

OK.

16

UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.

Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.

Okay, answer me this: When you excuse yourself to “get comfortable”, what are you going to come back wearing?

17

TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.

A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

Men, on the other hand, have no such quibbles with the order in which you remove garments, so long as you remove them.

18

GOING TOO FAST.

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

If your state of mind is such as to refer to sex as a “situation”, one of us has already done something horribly, uncorrectably wrong.

19

GOING TOO HARD.

If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

What is it about women and horses?

What position are we in that my hip bone is in your thigh?

20

COMING TOO SOON.

Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

Always.

I never worry about “too soon” because I know I don’t need an erection to please you. *Ahem*

21

NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

Believe me, no man chooses to delay coming for an hour. Help us out here: tweak a nipple, stick your tongue in our mouths for a change, anything but just lay there checking your watch.

22

ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.

You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask

Don’t flatter yourselves. Some women just sigh deeply. Or, at least, she told us she was coming when she did that.

23

PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.

Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

OK. Speaking of fellatio...

24

NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.

Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

There is no attractive way to say “Suck my dick,” and “please” doesn’t make it sound any better. You know we want it: We want you to think of it yourself. This is what passes for “hinting” among men. I told you we don’t do subtlety.

25

NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.

See #22. If we have to guess when you’re coming, you have to do the same. You honestly can’t tell?

26

MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.

Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

We’re hard-wired to thrust. We can’t help it. Ask us not to close our eyes when we sneeze, while you’re at it.

And your head is the only thing I can reach. I thought you wanted to be cuddled.

27

TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.

In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

What laundry? Aren’t you naked yet?

28

MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

But “Lying there grunting while he does all the hard work” is fine for you, eh?

See #11. You just said we have to start over from square one when you take a rest, and that we should keep going come what may, so to speak. Make up your mind.

29

ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

OK. But if you’re going to act surprised by everything we do, how will we know when you really are?

30

TAKING PICTURES.

When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she’ll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

We are not responsible for things you hear that we didn’t say. We are not responsible for any conclusions you jump to.

What is the point of you keeping them? If we have to come see you to see the pictures, we can see you and we don’t need the pictures. The whole point of pictures is so we can admire you when we can't be with you.

31

NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.

Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

How are we supposed to guess that you wanted that?

32

SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.

There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

You’re taking yourself wa-ay too seriously.

33

ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

The only stupid positions are the ones in which we can’t screw.

34

LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.

Read this carefully: Many women do enjoy anal stimulation. You won’t know if you don’t try. (I thought you wanted us to be imaginative. See #31 above.)

35

GIVING LOVE BITES.

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

Nor we. OK.

Is this the right time to discuss those talons you dig into our backs at inopportune moments?

36

BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.

Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

I thought you wanted to be told when we’re about to come...

37

TALKING DIRTY.

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

Talk to me, don’t talk to me, talk to me, don’t talk to me. Make up your mind.

38

NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

How many times in this list have you told us to let you take a break? When does “never mind” mean “never mind”?

Of course we care. Orgasm is the most fun we ever have, and damned if we want to go there alone.

39

SQUASHING HER.

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

Your bones are built to take it, if we’re resting on them properly. We tried to put you on top, but you complained about that too.

40

THANKING HER.

Never thank a woman for having sex with you.

If not now, for God's sake when?

You can’t mean that. You mean “Say it with flowers” (or chocolates or jewelry), don’t you?